Chapter 2 of Communication Keys: How to Listen and Speak
Many times, due to filtering and processing a communication through past hurts, or bad experiences, we immediately feel like we must defend ourselves to others. Shame and rebellion can also lead us to defense too. It is a defense mechanism to defend and justify ourselves to others. And not necessary, according to the Holy Spirit! It’s best to just listen, for the speaker may not even be referring to you at all. When we take something, someone says, and apply it to ourselves, when it wasn’t even meant to be for us or wasn’t about us, it will undoubtedly cause communication problems.
I’ll give you my own personal example: I, being overweight, when listening to someone go on a spiel about nutrition and health, used to Listen – with Defense, and I’d retort, “Well, I’m eating half the volume of food that most people do.” (then giving a justification of some sort.) I’d interrupt! I’d defend. I would Listen – with Defense, not really hearing anything that person was saying. Mind you, they weren’t even thinking “about me” or “in reference to me”, but themselves, but because it hit a sore spot within me, I was listening with “Defense”. This can apply to so many things. I had to learn to listen without feeling the need to defend myself, in many areas. As you get alerted to this, you too, will notice how many times a spirit of defense rises up within you wanting you to speak without listening fully. Now, the Spirit literally alerts me to my defense, and shuts me up! (smile).
When a son or daughter is rebellious, there is also a spirit of defense that rises up within them when a parent or teacher tries to tell them something to do or teach them. They Listen – with Defense. They argue… they interrupt you… as they “defend” themselves… without listening to something valuable that is being told them. They might not hear a thing you say! If they are taught this principle, they too, will begin to tune in, knowing the issue is that Satan is messing with communications.
A husband can do this when listening to a wife ask him to do a chore… he responds with defense…explaining why it wasn’t yet done, justifying his non-action, and so on, rather than just listening and responding with an action. She more-than-likely was just reminding him in case he forgot about it, and wasn’t trying to start an argument, at all.
Or a wife, when asked by her husband, “What’s for Supper”, listening with defense, begins giving excuse as to why it’s not yet made, or accusing “if only you had brought home the milk as I asked”, to deflect, etc. He was only asking a simple question, and didn’t have any intention to begin an argument… but she listened with Defense! Had she not, “no heated discussion” would have ensued at all.
Imagine how many communications can be changed by just keeping these first two in mind: listening without offense and listening without defense?!
When people listen in these ways, they feel “accusation” from the Enemy! Satan, The Accuser, is at work within their hearts.
Therefore, besides we the listener becoming alert to the enemy within… when any of us, in our speaking, realizes that someone “is defending” as they listen to us… we also can try to diffuse the situation by changing the tone of what we’re speaking, so it helps our listener not to feel that accusation.
We believers… if both parties are mindful of the strategy of the enemy within our communications… can make great progress in our relationships and send our enemies out of the camp! Amen?!
One more observation I’ll share on this Listen-without Offense or Defense:
Many times, if someone in the family has had a “bad day” at the office, or at school, or at home with the wee ones, they will listen with Defense or with Offense to you. Why? Because they are still processing and carrying the emotions and frustrations of their day and may think you’re getting “on them” too. It is imperative then, for you to become alert to this, so you can counter The Enemy’s attack on your communications, by your listening to them without offense or defense. This will diffuse the volatility of emotions and you’ll avoid some major disagreements. You can also counter by applying some principles from our Speak instructions, coming up still in this article. Sometimes it’s good to know when to be quiet!
Ask the Holy Spirit how you can apply these keys in your daily listening. Now that you know what to be alert to, He can more easily reveal it in a moment of conversation.
Christ instructs us in Matthew 5:38-40:
“But I say unto you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also…”
You are being told, that if you receive a slap-in-the-face… i.e., something is aimed toward you that is insulting or causes offense…even if your defense wants to rise up… LET that person get away with it. Christ in us makes this possible. When not responding in the flesh, He can then “give you” the reply of the tongue.
When you become mindful of The Enemy’s tactics, and close the door to him, not allowing him to operate… then you, at the same time, “open the door” for the Spirit to give you your proper response. Even if something is to be confronted or addressed in communications, the Spirit of God will help you to do this.
He, from the Sermon on the Mount, tells us in Matthew 5:9-12:
“Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.”
“Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”
“Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.”
“Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.”
We are in the end times, Believers, and will need to put these scriptures into our hearts, and realize being reviled, mocked, stirred-up, persecuted, and so on, is going to happen. I believe the Holy Spirit is preparing us in our communications.
We can be at peace, and in good communications with those closest to us, even amidst the persecutions. Amen?!